Column by Connor Jaschen, Features Editor

An opinion is like nipples: everyone has them, but that doesn’t mean you need to show them to everyone.

News has been diluted into subjective and sometimes blatantly false headlines rolling down a newsfeed for any college kid to glance over and write about on his/her blog, pretending to be experts on  something they know nothing about.

Quit being a social justice warrior and figure out what the actual facts are before getting a bunch of your best buds together to picket the Quad.

Your opinion is a treasure, but it’s only worth the amount of thought and research you’ve put into it.

Feed it. Take care of it.

Don’t ever let anyone take it away from you.

Nurse it into the kind of opinion you can be proud to show off to the world and withstand the scrutiny of pessimists like myself.

Don’t throw it out into the world before you’ve put the effort into molding your opinion into something worthwhile.

Your opinion won’t have any more impact than creating more noise in a world full of similar thoughtless, uninspired opinions turning tricks on some nameless street corner.

You don’t need to have an opinion on everything.

Figure out what you’re interested in and what affects your life, and when you got that figured out, know it.

Know it like you know yourself, because any stance you take will reflect on you. If I think your opinion is stupid, I’m going to think you’re stupid.

When it comes to trying to speak intelligently on a subject, stick to what you know.

Don’t talk about politics with someone who has been keeping up with the race if the only thing you know about it is ‘Trump’s gonna’ build us a wall!’

I get it, you and your Uncle Bubba probably had some lengthy discussions on all the candidates, weighed their positions on all of the leading questions and how Trump is the only candidate that says what on his mind. While that may sound appealing to you, if Trump would follow the same rules set forth in this column, he wouldn’t look like an idiot either.

And when I say ‘the GOP,’ and you give me a confused look, please just stop there. Read a book. Watch a movie. Do literally anything except talk to me.

If you’re a vet, you can talk about giving certain medications to my dog. I’ll accept that.

The same does not apply if your big credential is that you own seventeen cats and a goldfish that your Aunt Ethel gave to you last Christmas. While I’m sure you love your cats and your Aunt Ethel is just the sweetest woman in the world that doesn’t mean you know anything about my dog.

Just keep your hypothetical ignorant comments to yourself, and I will keep my hypothetical dog from eating you.